My Take on TikTok’s Viral “Date Them Till You Hate Them” Trend

Cosmopolitan recently asked me to weigh in on the toxic “Date Them Till You Hate Them” trend. I’ll admit—I hadn’t heard of it. For my sanity, I’ve avoided TikTok, a friend has held my Instagram password hostage for three years (hi Leanne), and I stick to Facebook like any good elder millennial. Long ago when I learned Kim Kardashian had already welcomed her first baby without me having realized she was pregnant, I counted my ignorance as a personal victory and applauded my curated algorithm. Learning about this trend felt a little like that: both surprising and oddly refreshing to remember I don’t hang out in that particular corner of the internet. 

A few of my thoughts ended up in this article. Here are my unabridged thoughts for your reading pleasure.

What is TikTok’s viral “Date Them Till You Hate Them” trend, and why is it so toxic? 

The “Date Them Till You Hate Them” trend made the rounds on TikTok, encouraging women to stay with a partner long past the expiration date of the relationship. The idea is that if you stick it out long enough, your toxic, disrespectful partner will eventually disgust you, making it easier to walk away. Sure-there’s some truth here. It is easier to leave someone you hate than someone you love. But the real question is: at what cost? 

This trend undermines your ability to trust yourself and to listen to that little voice inside of you. It suggests that we can’t do hard things like have a hard conversation or recover from a broken heart. In short, “Date till you hate” says, “endure misery now so that walking away later is easier,” and “don’t stand up for yourself now so that you can stand up for yourself later.” Unfortunately, the cost of this strategy is immense: you lose a little bit of yourself each day along the way. Consenting to an echo chamber of disrespect will breed self-doubt, low self-esteem, anxiety, and depression. If the road is going to be hard, let it be hard because you are shedding old patterns of passivity, conflict avoidance, people pleasing, or codependency. Not because you’re tolerating toxicity or abuse in your partnership. 

Why might some people choose to “date till you hate” rather than breaking up or addressing concerns with their partner? 

The “date till you hate” approach has quickly become one of my least favorite options for approaching a breakup. People who are drawn to this trend would likely benefit from talking to a therapist about their tendency to people-please, avoid conflict, and/or stay in codependent relationships. Followers of this trend seem more willing to endure heartbreak and degradation than the pains of emotional growth. This isn’t a character flaw, but rather a sign that emotional numbness feels safer than emotional growth. 

What should you do instead of “dating till you hate” in a relationship?

Pretty much anything else. 

I specialize in breakups in my therapy practice because endings tell the truth. How we part ways reveals our growth edges and shows us exactly where healing and maturity are waiting. “Date till you hate” is the path of least resistance with a side of severe consequences. Heed the call to be more direct and to ask for change. Pay attention to how someone reacts when you tell them they’ve hurt you. Notice how you feel when you spend time with your partner. If these signs point to the end, lean into your friend group or seek support from a therapist to help you navigate the choppy waters ahead. 

TLDR: Step into your life. Get behind the driver’s seat and do the hard thing. Believe in your ability to get through heartache. Know your worth. True healing comes when you stand up for yourself and honor your truth on your own terms.