How to Support a Neurodivergent Loved One
People with neurodivergent brains often experience difficulty with understanding and communicating their support needs. This is especially true for those who have a later in life diagnosis/discovery of ADHD or Autism, as these individuals have often experienced chronic invalidation of their feelings and experiences throughout their lives. The ongoing misunderstood differences of the neurodivergent brain can make it challenging for neurodivergent individuals to understand their own needs, let alone communicate with the other supports in their life including romantic partnerships, familial relationships, friendships, and employer or academic relationships. This article explores how to support a neurodivergent person in daily life.
What are neurodivergent support needs?
Support needs refer to varying levels of support needed to assist someone with neurodivergent brain differences.
Support needs may fluctuate at different times throughout one’s life, meaning sometimes a neurodivergent person may have higher support needs and other times they may have lower support needs.
Some examples of support needs include executive functioning tasks, organization, working memory skills, sensory overload, overstimulation, communication, and emotional overwhelm.
Research studies by neuroscientists have found that neurodivergent brains process 42% more information at rest than neurotypical brains. No wonder overstimulation happens! Being neurodivergent isn’t something to “fix,” but rather to acknowledge what differences exist and how to support, and celebrate, those differences.
Accommodating brain differences, rather than pathologizing these differences, can significantly enhance one’s quality of life.
Tips to support your neurodivergent loved one:
Spend intentional time educating yourself about their particular type of neurodivergence through research, podcasts, and vetted media.
Keep an open mind: Be open to learning more about brain differences, the emerging research, and hearing directly from your neurodivergent loved one about their lived experience.
Understand different sensory needs and learn how to reduce sensory overload
Bright lights, large crowds, extended time socializing, temperature, and more can be enough to trigger over- or under-stimulation in a neurodivergent person. Both over- and under-stimulation are forms of dysregulation.
Learn what triggers their overwhelm
Sensory needs aren’t the only things that can trigger emotional overwhelm or dysregulation. If a neurodivergent brain is processing 42% more information at rest than a neurotypical brain - imagine how overwhelming managing basic executive functioning tasks can be. Even seemingly “simple” things like losing car keys, keeping up with appointments, doing dishes or laundry, going to the grocery store, or paying bills can be enough to overload the neurodivergent brain.
Practice emotional regulation and co-regulation
Neurodivergent brains often experience heightened emotional responses as they can experience feelings more intensely than a neurotypical brain. Big feelings are okay!
Acknowledge and validate feelings and experiences rather than judging or questioning them.
Learning how to regulate your emotions and co-regulate with others can support with reducing and coping with cognitive overload and emotional overwhelm.
Asking too many questions can increase overwhelm and overload cognitive processing.
Don’t ask what they need in moments of dysregulation - their brain is already overloaded and processing a lot of information so they may not know the answer to this question. Instead, do something tangible to help in the moment: acknowledge their feelings, validate their experience, coregulate, and reduce the cognitive load.
Understanding neurodivergent communication: Use direct communication, active listening, and don’t make assumptions
Neurodivergent people may need additional time to process information.
Written communication or instructions may sometimes be more effective than verbal communication or instructions.
Neurodivergent people may use direct and/or more monotone communication. It is important to not take this type of communication personally, but rather acknowledge these communication patterns are a result of neurological differences.
A neurodivergent person may have a different sense of humor or difficulty differentiating sarcasm.
Indirectness or unclear communication may trigger confusion and overwhelm for a neurodivergent person.
Assist with routines
Having more predictability through established routines can help the neurodivergent brain feel less overwhelmed with tasks by reducing the cognitive load. A morning routine can make all the difference in starting the day out dysregulated or not.
Some other examples of routine establishment include having easily accessible pre-prepaped safe foods to eat, an identified grocery shopping day, preparing for sleep, chore charts, and limiting unexpected changes in plans.
Encourage time to rest: The neurodivergent brain processes rest differently. It is key to learn different sleep and rest strategies that are supportive of the individual’s needs.
Having a neurodivergent brain in this world can be challenging to manage, and supporting a neurodivergent person in your life can be challenging as well. Every neurodivergent person is uniquely different from one another, with differing and varying support needs and things that help. Whether you are neurodivergent or supporting someone who is neurodivergent (or both!), I am here to help you learn more about your unique experience with neurodivergence and build skills individualized to your needs to enhance your support. I offer neuroaffirming therapy in-person in Asheville or online anywhere in North Carolina. If you are ready to take the next step, get in touch with me at Shelby@TheBreakUpTherapist.com.
Sources:
José L. Pérez Velázquez, Roberto F. Galán. Information gain in the brain's resting state: A new perspective on autism. Frontiers in Neuroinformatics, 2013; 7 DOI: 10.3389/fninf.2013.00037